It's been a while since I last blogged. I'm not sure many people actually even bother to read this. Truth is I actually find it more therapeutic than anything else and so I guess you could say I blog more for self indulgence rather than any other higher calling.
I've recently changed the name/look/feel of my blog. I wanted to get away from any expectation I put on myself to be "Christianese" for those of you not familiar with that word it means being too Christian. I read through my blogs from before and they were all stamped with overwhelming Christian lingo, prayers, songs and in some cases even bible verses...oh my. There's nothing wrong with that sort of thing. I just am not in a place in my life where I feel like preaching anymore. I've also come to realize that maybe my point of view on life and religion isn't exactly what it once use to be. I mean I'm sure there's a God out there I'm just not sure how sane he is. Which makes us all the more insane for believing in him.
ANYWAYS... Before I get comments rebuking (sorry thats Christian Lingo) me for calling God insane. I wanted to be able to share about my life and what's been going on lately. Most people who read this will already know that I've stopped doing the Church thing. Looking back I can say the reason I stopped going was only an excuse for something that was much deeper. That deeper thing was/is depression. "Say What!? Did he just say the D word?" It's shocking how people used hushed tones and quiet looks of sympathy when you mention depression in context with your life. People understand that you're feeling sad and they think they know what's going on in your life because everyone has been sad before. Newsflash! There is a difference between being sad and being depressed. Sad is a legitimate feeling that eventually passes. Depression is like a herpes. Sometimes the inflammation isn't visible but you're stuck with that sucka fer life. This is where my upbringing as a Christian and the professional opinion of my doctors come into conflict. According to the church all things are able to be healed and all pains comforted by believing in God. According to the Doctors, depression is a medical disease that can only be treated by meds but not 100% curable and here lies my conundrum. Prayer hasn't worked and the meds made it worse. So I'll write! By Jove I think I've got it. One thing I've realized is that people are more willing to talk about sex, death, food, masturbation and well let's just say almost every thing else rather than depression. Maybe it's because it's such a personal experience or maybe it's because people don't know what to say but people avoid talking about depression like its contagious or something. Maybe that's it. Maybe it is. We all know that it's much easier to make someone sad than it is happy. So maybe that's why I get the hushed "Everything's gonna be alright." looks when I actually tell people what's going on in my life. Reality is maybe things wouldn't be so awkward if there was a protocol to deal with mental people. (Depression is a legitimate mental disability according to the mental disability act of British Columbia and most other provinces in Canada) So I'm going to be the first to say that from now on if you have depression or have had depression (remember it's like Herpes) we should wear a ribbon like they do for every other disease out there. One side of the ribbon will be orange and will signify that you have had depression but are in control of it now. The opposite side will be dark green and if that side is shown it means you are currently depressed and that enables everyone who recognizes that ribbon to kick you in the ass. Let's see how long people allow themselves to stay in depression. I know that I sometimes need that kick and I quite honestly get tired of all the walking on eggshells. I know that idea probably will never actually pick up. But if it did at least people would be less ashamed to talk about it. I struggle with depression. Some people will tell you that they aren't surprised considering the life I've lived and the circumstances surrounding me but I ask you is that a valid reason or just an excuse? The real journey of my life hasn't been about my heart or the extremes I've faced. It's been about the fight to keep my depression Orange. (If I lost you just there you might want to read back a couple lines. The whole part about wearing a ribbon one side orange the other dark green...yeah...)
I here by christen this blog. Stupid rantings of a guy with a foreign object in his chest that says things that are going on in his life... or maybe I should just start over.
